Power Metal...More Like Flower Metal, Bitches!

If you ever need a succinct reason why grizzled guys like me prop up old school power metal and disparage most of the modern bands in the trade, this very band and album sum up why. Skylark are Italian, and perhaps the wimpiest example of modern metal in this genre. The production is totally lacking in bass and any power whatsoever, the vocals are whiny, thin and annoying, the songs either laughably drawn out with bombastic synths imitaing orchestral instruments or brief but clowingly melodic. The lyrics are about princesses, elves, light, skylarks and care bears (okay, not care bears, but you get my point). It, like many other bands who verge towards the lighter side of the genre, is power metal minus power, and what the hell is the point of that? Plus the crediting of instruments is annoyingly pretentious. Just because your keyboard is programmed to make flute or string sounds, does mean you know how to write for or play those instruments, guys. And to think there were power metal fanzines having orgasms over bands like this while slamming bands like Pantera and Morbid Angel at the same time. I don't get it...why would you want to hear heavy metal that has no power, no oomph, no guts, full of false passion and flowery themes? Maybe it's just me, but when power metal fans whine about how modern bands are too aggressive, and not melodic enough and don't sing about the lord of the friggin' rings in every song, I wanna ask them why they don't just buy David Arkenstone albums if that's the qualities they're looking for? Maybe it's just me, but I'll take Manilla Road, Chastain, Cirith Ungol, Brocas Helm, Ostrogoth and Oz over this watered down poof metal any day of the damn year. And note, there are good power metal bands in the modern age, but this ain't one of 'em.

True Confessions: I Don't Like Black Metal

I have something of a confession to make. I don't like black metal. I've tried. I really have. Now you may say this is of no import, but it's something of a mystery to me. Y'see, I'm 40 years old. I've been into metal since around '82-'83. I love thrash metal, I love death metal, grindcore, doom, crust and other bastard forms of music to death and still do. And when black metal's first serious wave appeared, I tried to like it, and some bands I did. I can't fault the early Burzum recordings for sheer ambient evil, the majesty of Emperor, the amazing primitivism of some of Darkthrone's earliest work all speak to me, and of course I will always hail Bathory from on high. But, apart from the sick strains of war metal like Beherit, Blasphemy, etc.,the genre has always left me cold. Now I was one of the people who followed the murders and burnings in Norway, and the copycat crimes they inspired, but that didn't make me feel any better about the music, especially since by that time the scene was dividing itself into ever sillier factions. The true necro-fiends, the vampire romantics, the epic melodramatics, as well as bands that were just plain awful. It reminded me of death metal's massive and mostly suicidal overpopulation in the middle nineties. And nowadays it's only the "weird" stuff like Xasthur and Wolves In The Throne Room that grab me at all. I'll catch up with stuff like Dead Raven Choir and Wolfmangler when I have hours to waste on questionable art. Read: probably never.

But that still doesn't really explain my general disdain for the genre. Death metal went through a similar growth/fall/resurrection syndrome, and I didn't lose my taste for it, so what's the deal? I think that for the most part, of almost any music style except power metal, black metal seems to be endlessly screaming "look at me! Look how evil I am!" The worst bands in the genre (Ancient, for example) seem to merely write odes their own bogus nihilism. And yes, while some did demonstrate that they were indeed, card carrying haters of life, you've got to admit that those cases are anecdotal at best. Black metal is horribly self-involved and relentlessly grim in a self-promotional sense (i.e. most of these nitwits wouldn't do what they do if no-one was watching). It's self-indulgent, preposterously overblown at times, as witness the fascist (not necessarily racist, but I'm not even going to get into the whole NSBM theater of shock in this revue) proclamations by so many meglomaniacs within the scene. All in all it just seems to boil down into one big evil pose-fest, as false in foundation as most of the pop-goth, pop-punk, nu-metal acts who's integrity is rightfully questioned constantly.

But Immortal are one of those bands who, at least intially got the genre right. This, their first album proper was released in Europe by the French Osmose Productions label, and made it to the US on the back of terribly misguided and badly handled distribution deal with JL America. But despite cheap-ass packaging, Immortal's atmosphere of evil and wintry mood helped them stand out among others donning corpsepaint and pentagrams. Mostly because they seemed to write actual songs, not just five minute frost-bitten love letters to their own subconscious. And plus, the songs here vary in tempo, recalling the varied moods of Bathory or even Venom, which adds a lot of depth to the material. True, "The Call of the Wintermoon" blasts off in a frenzied clatter of drumming, it manages to carry a deep resonance as well. Perhaps because there's actually some bottom end to the sound, something many a shrieking "necro" black metal album lack. "Unholy Forces of Evil" mixes up it's paces to keep the listener involved, while the intros to "Cryptic Winterstorms" and "A Perfect Vision of the Rising Northland" recall the kind of medeival ambience Satyricon would weild even more plainly on their debut album.

The band are shadowed on the sleeve, their faces obscured with the only sign of self-promotion being the one member who breathes fire. All in all, a moody, truly dark and affecting black metal record.

Now Immortal would soon change quite a lot, mind you, as on their next couple of albums they seemed compelled to perform tempos so fast that they burned a couple pf drummers out over the course of a few years. Beyond that, some are drawn to laugh at their ever sillier manner of presenting themselves, with some hailing the more riff-based metal they'd taken up by the turn of the century. But as far as Diabolical Fullmoon Mysticism is concerned, it's one of the few black metal records I loved back in the day and still love now. Or am I not allowed to use the word "love" to describe black metal? Does this mean my cred has dropped? After reading Daniel Ekeroth's amazing book about the Swedish death metal scene, his impressions of the difference between that scene and the emerging black metal world was stark. Til that point metal had been about making great music and having a good time. Black metal was about posing evil and hating people. To some degree, it meant you had to become an asshole to gain admittance. Maybe that's why it was always a bit fishy to me...I didn't want to be an asshole. Huh.

Metal Never Forgets...Even When It Should Pt. 5

WOW! What a sleeve illustration! How epic! How heroic! How like some guy in the band had his eighth grade sister draw it for them! This record looks like some long lost power metal classic but it contains cuts with titles like "She's A Looker" and "Sweet Dream Maker." Yeah, strap on those widow-makers and spikes man. Zebra was devastatingly powerful compared to these guys. They make Triumph sound like Slayer by comparison. If you don't die laughing from the dated keyboards on the opening cut, the plodding ballad "Treat Me Right" will. Sounds like White Lion after sucking helium. This was a very indie release from this Denmark band, and probably the best the band could do at the time, but it reeks of mainstream pandering and sheltered ideas about real rock and metal music. SERIOUS collectors only, man, although it is probably incredibly valuable to mega-geeked out metal collectors. Oh, and just to note, there is a membership connection to Fate with this band, which means there's a connection to Mercyful Fate. Maybe we should play Six Degress of King Diamond here?

Digging For Steel: Rare Heavy Metal Albums

Just for the hell of it, I created a list of some of the rarest metal albums on my Rate Your Music page. If you have a second or tow to peruse it, you might find it pretty friggin' badass cool. Or you may just yawn and go back to watching porn. Peace out, sauerkraut.

http://rateyourmusic.com/list/cirithungol/digging_for_steel__some_of_metals_rarest_albums

Nazi Prog Drone Proto Metal...Who'd Have Thunk It?

Okay. This very odd record from Germany's own German Oak has developed quite a buzz recently, so let's try to get things in focus here. Far as I know, this was recorded in 1972 in an underground air raid shelter, the band claiming no small part of involvement from the ghostly occupants of that tragic locale. The album was issued in a pressing of 213 through an unnamed label, and only sold 9 of those, the 202 balance ending up in the basement of one of the label's owners. Some sources tell us that the label name was Witch & Warlock, but that seems to be the label that issued a 1991 reissue. Musically it sounds like a power trio trying to make ambient doom two decades before anyone else had even thought of it. The sound, cavernous and echoing, actually works for this sort of odd project, and some of the moods are undeniably sinister. "Down In The Bunker" is a real monster, a slowly unfolding, crawling and slithering beast that sounds like Ash Ra Tempel's Amboss album as performed in slow motion. "Raid" is more uptempo and focused, visiting the same riffs and sections over it's length. Again, it's damn cool, and the windy, moss covered sound actually seems to help, rather than hurt matters.


Some listeners, myself included, seem to have purchased or downloaded a version with four extra tracks, all of which are a nice addition to the original package and follow in the same vein as the original four cuts. It's perhaps impossible to say what original vinyl copies are worth, and your estimation of this album's artistic worth will depend on how much you like kraut ambient doom stoner rock. And since that genre does not exist outside of this record, you've just got to hear it to know if it'll touch you or not. I really like it, but I can only speak for myself. And by the way, the second album is a disjointed, noisy mess compared to this. It tries to have continuity (replacing Norse mythology with World War II) but lacks this album's atmosphere, conviction and alchemy.

Drummer? We Don't Need No Stinkin' Drummer!

Somewhere back in my tortured brain, I remember reading a review of this very early, very primitive German death metal "band." You see, Slaughterhammer had no drummer or bass player...just two guys with guitars, one with an evil croak of a voice and the first couple Sodom demos for inspiration. And despite reading about the band in Blackthorn or Raging Death magazine (probably...it's a long fuckin' time ago) I didn't order the tape, but recently stumbled across a downoad of it. The fact is that for 1986, this is bewilderingly brutal, with pummeling riffs and mega-guttural vocals. Who knows? If these guys had been able to find what they needed to be complete...like a drummer and bass player...they might have been another death metal legend ala Sarcofago or Vulcano, two bands who sound most alike these twisted krauts. Production, or lack of same, is pretty bad, but I do feel there was untapped genius on hand here. It's a true freaks/archivists only sort of affair, but interesting all the same, and another sharp stick in the eye to those who hold the belief that death metal suddenly beamed down to this planet in 1989. Sorry kids, in all it's disgusting glory, it was here some time before that.  I guess it speaks to the band's passion that not even the lack of a complete lineup was going to keep them from cranking out the extremity, but said passion sadly doesn't make this tape sound any better. Note: the band would evolve into Bloodslaughter and release one demo as well, this time with a drummer...but no bass player. Odd when you consider how many extreme metal musicians came out of Germany around this time.

This Needs To Be Said...Don't Fuck With Whatley

The Nostalgia Critic Remembers It So You Don't Have To

As with the wonderful work of The Cinema Snob, I'd like to recommend anyone with a hankering for more movie related hilarity head over to http://www.thatguywiththeglasses.com/. It's not only the home of the generally hilarious Nostalgia Critic, but also plenty of other movei/video game related fun. My personal faves on the site are the Bum reviews (watch the Twilight reviews...hilarious), the Dudette and Spoony. And it wouldn't kill you to watch the movie the site worked together to make, the epic that is "Kickassia." Get on over there if you know what's good for you.

Metal Never Forgets...Even When It Should Pt.4

Okay. Apator is one Dutch gentleman named Robert van Arnhem, and his name was mentioned often in the death/black zines of the day ('88-'92 or so) as being just about the most ridiculous entry into either of the scene's entire history. After hearing 1992's wretched demo tape Masturbates In Praise Of Black Satan, I can believe it. Although the Encyclopedia Metallum site insists Apator played instruments, there are none on this recording. What we have his a guy doing gore-grind vocals accapella, with frequent silences in between. He in fact simply repeats the same words over and over again for minutes at a time. My version of this download does not split the tracks, instead pushing them all together into one file. So for the sake of historical accuracy, below is the actual track listing:


1. Satan vomits (on holy Mary's virgin child)
2. Rapor Satan
3. Craving Satan's violence
4. Kneel before Satanic Moloch
5. Destroyer Satan
6. The Satanic bloodspraying
7. Rape the bloodied Christ
8. Rise of antichrist
9. Satan's flames grow higher

Now bear in mind that after you know the titles, you have to know that all the songs consist of is Apator repeating the title over and over again. It's pretty dire, pointless stuff, hardly music at all. If there was something interesting going on here, I could at least recommend it as some kind of curiosity, but it's repetitive and dull. And, if Encyclopedia Metallum is to be believed, this was his sixth or seventh release, with many more to follow before the Apator project ended (thankfully) somewhere around 1995. After looking at some of the contents of his last releases, he seemed to be moving into a sort of A.C.-like "stupid is good" humorous vein, although I can't verify the contents because finding Apator's music is like trying to find gay bars in Nebraska. And I can't post the cover of this tape, because it features Apator doing exactly what the title suggests, and I'm not having my blog shut down because of this total metal moron. And perhaps the scariest thing is that some of the tracks here were pressed to vinyl as a 1991 split EP with the equally questionable Exmortes (no, not Exmortis, the excellent death metal band, but another one man Dutch project). I wonder if he ever got a good fanzine review or played live? Did he ever have fans? Will some misguided uberkvlt label issue an Apator box set? Will he someday have a coffee table book ala Hellhammer? Those notions will haunt me I guarantee you.

Man, I Listened To A Lot Of Death Metal In 2009!

I didn't realize just how much death metal I crammed into my brain in 2009 until I isolated my collection by that year on RYM, and got almost 100% death metal back as a search result. It probably has been a good 10 years or so since that happened, which either means I'm going through a mid-life crisis, or 2009 was a damn good year for the genre. I'm going with the latter. So here's the Stinking Pit Of Metal 2009 Top 20 death metal releases. Some of them may have trace elements of black metal in there as well, but just deal with it. It seems to be the way both genres are heading anyway, that is to pull a peanut butter cup type deal (you got your death metal in my black metal, etc.). Note that these aren't in order in terms of quality. I'm far too lazy to think that hard right now.

Anal Blasphemy- Bestial Black Metal Filth
Archgoat- The Light Devouring Darkness
Asphyx- Death...The Brutal Way
Cannibal Corpse- Evisceration Plague
Denial- Catacombs of the Grotesque
Diocletian- Doom Cult
Dying Fetus- Descend Into Depravity
Embrace of Throrns- Attonement Ritual
Funebrarum- Sleep Of Morbid Dreams
Ignivomous- Death Transmutation
Impiety- Terrorreign
Infinitum Obscure- Sub Artis Caelis
Lost Soul- Immerse in Infinity
Nile- Those Whom the Gods Destest
Proclamation- Execration of Cruel Bestiality
Suffocation- Blood Oath
Vader- Necropolis
Maim- From the Womb to the Tomb
Disma- Vault of Membros
Vomit the Soul- Apostles of Inexpression

What Every Metal Record Label Should Aspire To Be

For some time now I've been ordering vinyl from Hell's Headbangers, and I must say that every aspect of every transaction has been amazing. Not only are they a quality label of their own, but also a distribution house for other labels. Their own releases are almost uniformly killer (Deiphago, CemeteryUrn, Bestial Mockery) but the speed with which they ship and the killer packaging job they do is just about the best out there. And on the vinyl pressings they do, we're usually talking about gatefold editions, heavy duty vinyl and usually accompanied by a poster, flyers or other such extras. Add to this reasonable $14-$18 pricing and you've got a mother of a source for metal. I used to order from Blackmetal.com, but their selection has dipped a bit, while HH just seems to be getting revved up! Highly recommend checking them and their releases out!

http://www.hellsheadbangers.com/

Metal Never Forgets...Even When It Should Pt.3

And here we have the 1982 debut EP from California's own Demon Flight. This is one of the very first releases from Metal Blade records, and is one the very few items the label has never seen fit to reissue. When you finally get to hear this rarity, you might understand why. It's horribly dated stuff, kind of like a low-batteries Iron Maiden armed with a really weird vocal style. "Dead Of The Night" appeared on the first Metal Massacre sampler, and those who own it will recall the distinctive whining vocals of bassist Rick Gerad. On this track, this guy sounds like that annoying cat puppet from the old Mister Roger's Neighborhood show. Just imagine her saying "Meow, meow, evil, meow," and you'll have a very good idea of how nails on chalkboard it is. The dude gets himself more under control for "Search And Destroy," which isn't a bad poverty metal cut at all. However, the 9 minute scare-fest "Night Of The Demon" is just a boring jam on two chords that lasts for nine and a half minutes without nearly enough variation or invention to justify it. I mean, if you're gonna write a song with that title, a two chord bounce with no interesting improvisation or interplay is just not going to make the grade.

As is well known, Metal Blade would come on great guns after their first few releases. But it amazes me sometimes that were able to survive at all when one looks at how bad their first few non-compilation album releases were. I mean, Bitch, Pandemonium, and these guys didn't exactly shake the foundations of the metal world,  A real old school nugget, this falls into the "so bad it's almost good" category, but probably isn't worth the loads of cash you'll need to shell out to grab a copy. On the rarity scale, it's probably worth $50-$75. On the quality scale, if you buy me a cheeseburger I'll trade you my copy for it.

So I'm Not Uberkvlt...Sue Me.

Some time ago, I got hold of some VON material, as most people did as a result of hearing that Burzum idiot give them props back when the orgy of self-promotion was taking place in the Norway black metal scene. I wasn't impressed. At all. So here we have the big collection, the cult extravaganza, the compilation of this legendary band's volume of work, Satanic Blood Angel. Well, it isn't any better now that it was then, failing to improve with age like a fine wine. This is more like Kool-Aid left out in the sun too long. I know that this is supposed to be culter than cult, extreme to the max blackened death supreme: let me be clear; it is not. It is boring. It is one-note. It is repetitive. It is weak. In fact, it is dull. Now some ubercult underground black metal types may worship this, and they're entirely welcome to it. But hear me now: even if Von were some sort of war metal pioneers, some sort of black metal revolutionaries, their work has been bettered by almost every band to follow them. And let's also be realistic here. Blasphemy, Bestial Warlust, Beherit and others did this sort of total carnage blackdeath at roughly the same time as these dudes. Only better. So let's all take a step back, forget about posing out as the world's most underground death/black metal fan in existence, and honestly judge what this is: a bloody average piece of work that we'd all have forgotten about by now if Varg Vikernes hadn't name-checked them in interviews. Did I burst your fuckin' bad-ass bubble? GOOD! Now go listen to something that's actually worth your time. Blasphemy's FALLEN ANGEL OF DOOM pisses all over this, sets it on fire, and stomps the ashes into dust. Buy that instead. You'll thank me.

A Positive Post For A Change

Guess I've been pretty negative on this blog, even if it's mostly in the service of humor. But I don't want readers to think I'm a jaded jerk who only finds pleasure in the dismal. So here's three quickie reviews of albums from this year that I really dig, and you might to! See? Wasn't that pleasant?

Perversor- Demon Metal (Hell's Headbangers)

Just got this today, and I gotta say that as much as I liked this band's debut album, this little 5 track EP is pretty damn hot as well. Like Bathory and Bestial Warlust getting into a scrap and finally agreeing to call a truce. Great production, great bestial, yet controlled feel, just killer stuff. And the vinyl pressing from Hell's Headbangers is great, very generous with a big lyric book and heavy duty vinyl. Can't say fairer than that.

Kerasphorus - Cloven Hooves at the Holocaust Dawn (Nuclear War Now!)

Yet another in the line of bands involving the axis of Order From Chaos-Blasphemy-Conqueror-Rvenege etc., this is quite a strong piece of work, moving away from the sheer war noise of Revenge, and in some ways back towards the OFC/Angelcorpse manner of death metal. It woiuld be prety impossible to picture this being anything but professional with people like J.Read and Pete Helmkamp involved, and it sure as hell is. A great compromise between modern extremes and old school values. Very much recommended.

Hour of Penance - Paradogma (Unique Leader)

Now clearly of the world's finest death metal bands, Hour Of Penance will be scrutinized more heavily than ever on this work. Here the band move into a vein that favorably reimds me of Nile, the crushing, deliberate riffs of the title cut hammering down with amazing authority. And the production, which is really just about perfect, helps a lot. A really strong album this one, once again driving the point home that some of the world's best bands in this genre are just not coming from the USA. Us and Sweden once ruled the death metal world, but the times they is a changin'. Hey, that's a good song title idea. Somebody should use that.

Available At Most Fine Supermarkets

Thank God we live in a free market, where all things are possible.

When Bad Things Happen To Great Metal Legends

I love Motorhead. I love Lemmy (platonically). To me, the band have perhaps the longest run of making astoundngly great records of almost any band ever, metal or not. But I'm not enough of a sycophant to blindly adore anything Motor-related. And that's where the semi-legendary "Stand By Your Man" Wendy O. Williams and Lemmy collaboration comes in. Oh dear. I always wondered what made this record so bad it would prompt Fast Eddie to leave Motorhead to avoid being associated with Lemmy. I still think he overreacted, but this is god-awful. Not that either Wendy or Lemmy sound any worse or better than usual, but the production is shit, especially on the vocals, and this was just not a good idea all the way around. Okay, Wendy does sound like shit on Motorhead's "No Class." There's no getting around it. Lemmy is well known for getting drunkenly involved with dubious studio side projects, such as happened with the Damned. So lesson learned...just because it's linked to the greatest band in metal is no guarantee of quality. Please believe me. The children must be protected.

Metal Never Forgets, Even When It Should Pt.2

Okay. Many of you know that I have a genuine fetish for old school death metal, and especially for unearthing formerly obscure releases in the music's history. But I gotta admit that I wasn't even aware of this one before it was featured on the Corroseum website (awesome...you gotta check it out). This album is perhaps the most primitive of all South American death/black metal albums, kind of what like Vulcano or Sarcofago must have sounded like at their first rehearsals. Now a big part of the problems here are the all around technical limitations, both in the band's abilities and in the production, which is pretty laughable. Bass and guitar are often slightly out of tune with each other, and the drummer makes the percussion on early Sodom records sound like Neil Peart by comparison. And those guitar "solos." Wow. And I swear, the bass player sounds like he's in the next room over from where the other band members are. A funny note: I'm fairly sure these guys arrived at the quality herein not by deliberate choice, but as result of circumstances. And now we have modern bands actually trying to sound like this to increase their level of "kult" quotient. Pathetic. Also, I can't help but laugh at the idea of Nazi black metallers pretending to enjoy this record because there's a swastika on the sleeve. That just makes me laugh til I wet myself. No...realy.

Now bear in mind, that if you have an actual copy of this record, it's incredibly, unfeasibly rare. But beware! There are those who profit by this masterpiece's rarity and notoriety and have issued vinyl bootlegs of it. Make sure you copy is genuine, so you can feel as ripped off as everyone who bought this album at it's time of release!

And you can delve further into this evil puke stain here: http://www.thecorroseum.com/rev/exterminator.htm

Briton Rites: Synonomous With Metal

Sometimes you just get lucky and stumble on the best damn album you've heard in like forever. This time around it's a new Atlanta band called Briton Rites, but you'd never know they were a recent invention from their sound. This is what went through my mind while spinning this for the first time: early Manilla Road, early Cathedral, Pagan Altar, fuzz pedals, rooting through import metal record bins at age 14, Cirith Ungol...memories. This record should have come out in 1984...it's so old school it's insane. It's also genuine, authentic and direct from the heart. Songs are epics, this band's singer is fantastic, a bit like the lad performing with Hour Of 13 actually, and the damn thing sounds like it was recorded in Brocas Helm's secret lair of audio evil. And here's a great kicker...despite the epic nature of the songs, they just fly by, seamlessly connecting the sections of their songs in traditonal, yet amazing ways. My god. If you love doom, you must have this. If you are old school you must have it. And look at the damn band photots...these guys are so metal it hurts.

Old, Crusty And Not Very Good

Okay kids, here's another mega-rare, newly discovered batch of recordings from a "Sabbath" styled UK band from the middle seventies. We all know how this usually ends up, and we've all been burned by Iron Maiden, Bram Stoker, Zior, Monument and other merely foggy, druggy bands. So how do Warlord pan out?

"Jasmin Queen" is decent enough thud rock, but the vocals are terrible and this, sadly, does not change throughout. "Explorer" has a nice minor-chord riff, but is otherwise forgettable, and "Face Of The Sun" could be boogie rock if the band's drummer has more groove...kind of sounds like very old Rush. "Warlord" contains actual NWOBHM approved riffs, but is also pretty unmemorable. I have to give props here though, as apart from it's silly acoustic sections, it is unabashedly metal. "Ladykiller" is dreadful, "To The Devil A Daughter" only highlights how bad this band's singer was, and both contain the thinnest, reediest keyboard sounds I've ever heard.

"Devil Drink"....huh? Is this title for real? And the song is amazingly bad...sounds like background music for a Z grade sixties occult horror film. Simply terrible...almost sounds like it was intended to be a joke. From this point on the recording quality is so poor as to be nearly unlistenable, but the band do torture us again a with a horrendous ballad called "The Ring."

Give these dudes credit on one point, they made no effort to be dishonest and conceal their weaknesses. They are...PLOP...right out there for all to see. But overall this is truly awful, and I'm so sick of labels jerking me off by promising me deathly heaviness and delivering piss poor leftovers like this. Let's all say it together, shall we...and remember it this time...RARE DOES NOT EQUAL GOOD! OBSCURE DOES NOT GUARANTEE QUALITY!! ONE REAL RIFF ON A CD DOES NOT MAKE A BAND "PROTO-METAL"!! Got it?! Good! I don't want to have to have to discuss this again.

I Rule The RYM Front Page!

No, but seriously if you visit www.rateyourmusic.com, one of my reviews, for the old compilaton SPEED METAL HELL III made the front page! Thanks to all at RYM for showing me some love!

Really Good Reviews Of Awful Movies

One of the best things I've come across in the past year is the blog hosted by Brad Jones, aka The Cinema Snob. This guy knows more about film than almost anyone I've come along, and he watches the really, really, REALLY bad movies and reports about them to us so we don't have to. And for the metal inclined, most of them are horror oriented, and we all know that metal and horror go together like Sarah Palin and stupid. So plug into channel www.cinema snob.com and enjoy the carnage!

Beware! Fear The Leather Nunn!

This entry has two purposes, one to let everyone know that I have a gazillion (well, actually it's about 1,780) music reviews (vastly metal in proportion) over at the fabulous Rate Your Music wesbite. You can see my page by going to:

http://rateyourmusic.com/~cirithungol

Having said that, the second reason for this post is to hype the amazing Leather Nunn album I downloaded, that being 1987's Take The Night. Even the album cover is wicked metal cool. Wow. Much heavier than I was expecting, this debut from Leather Nunn just screams "INDIE FUCKING EIGHTIES METAL!" But this is really good, just check out the heavy riffs, catchy soloing and memorable structure of album opener "Fool's Way Out." It literally ocurred to me that I was hearing one of the greatest metal songs of the eighties before the tune had even stopped playing. Man there's some crunch in those guitars! Okay, who to compare them to...maybe a slightly more commercial Jag Panzer, or less fancy Helstar? The great thing about the songs is that while they use familiar riffs and patterns the band always interject something of their own as well. Singer's got a bit of Halford in him (I refuse to crack the obvious gay joke here, so forget it) which is never a bad thing. Even the ballad-like "Take Me Back" has plenty of ommph in it's nutsack. Damn...really fine record here. Why did it take me over 20 years to hear it?

Metal Never Forgets...Even When It Should

I think I'd like to make this an ongoing feature on the blog, as lately even the most obscure and sometimes awful demo tapes and records have returned from the dead to haunt our metal souls. Very often they're ancient death metal demo tapes that stun with their utter incompetence and worthlessness. But sometimes it's something like the one and only demo tape from Italy's dire Hurtful Witch. I remember reading a review of this demo in the legendary Metal Forces fanzine back in '85, when the band's stinking pile of demo arrived in the form of "Spectra." The problem is not the band so much as their singer, Roberta Delaude(her lovely visage is above). I believe the reviewer said she sounded like someone was stabbing her as she was singing. This did not encourage me to order the tape. But, like the complete douche-tard that I can be sometimes, I saw a posted link for a free download (no-one would pay for this diaper full of metal poo). Well, I couldn't resist. Boy is it horrible. It's really bad. I could actually feel a headache developing on the second tune, and I couldn't make it through the third. Musically it's decent enough, kind of like Black Sabbath meshed with second rate Mercyful Fate, but my GOD, why do some people think they can sing when they sound like cats being stapled together? So consider this a public health warning. Avoid this one like it's got herpes. Because it sure sounds like there's some disease in there somewhere!

Special Collector's Item First Post!!

This blog is here to hopefully entertain, amaze, and possibly even revolt and disgust. I'm continuously blown away by the amount of metal information, content and data that is pread all over the damn internet, sometimes consolidated in woderful paces like Encyclopedia Metallum, the Corroseum, and oldies like Isten. So what I want to do is join that legion of metal fact spreaders. Being a 41 year old who still feels like he lives in the cellar, cranking Celtic Frost vinyl, I don't know if I'm qualified to do this, but what the hell.

Below are some great metal related links to get us started, so please check 'em out. There will be mucho content to come.

http://www.thecorroseum.com/

http://www.metal-archives.com/