Metal Never Forgets...Even When It Should Pt.4

Okay. Apator is one Dutch gentleman named Robert van Arnhem, and his name was mentioned often in the death/black zines of the day ('88-'92 or so) as being just about the most ridiculous entry into either of the scene's entire history. After hearing 1992's wretched demo tape Masturbates In Praise Of Black Satan, I can believe it. Although the Encyclopedia Metallum site insists Apator played instruments, there are none on this recording. What we have his a guy doing gore-grind vocals accapella, with frequent silences in between. He in fact simply repeats the same words over and over again for minutes at a time. My version of this download does not split the tracks, instead pushing them all together into one file. So for the sake of historical accuracy, below is the actual track listing:


1. Satan vomits (on holy Mary's virgin child)
2. Rapor Satan
3. Craving Satan's violence
4. Kneel before Satanic Moloch
5. Destroyer Satan
6. The Satanic bloodspraying
7. Rape the bloodied Christ
8. Rise of antichrist
9. Satan's flames grow higher

Now bear in mind that after you know the titles, you have to know that all the songs consist of is Apator repeating the title over and over again. It's pretty dire, pointless stuff, hardly music at all. If there was something interesting going on here, I could at least recommend it as some kind of curiosity, but it's repetitive and dull. And, if Encyclopedia Metallum is to be believed, this was his sixth or seventh release, with many more to follow before the Apator project ended (thankfully) somewhere around 1995. After looking at some of the contents of his last releases, he seemed to be moving into a sort of A.C.-like "stupid is good" humorous vein, although I can't verify the contents because finding Apator's music is like trying to find gay bars in Nebraska. And I can't post the cover of this tape, because it features Apator doing exactly what the title suggests, and I'm not having my blog shut down because of this total metal moron. And perhaps the scariest thing is that some of the tracks here were pressed to vinyl as a 1991 split EP with the equally questionable Exmortes (no, not Exmortis, the excellent death metal band, but another one man Dutch project). I wonder if he ever got a good fanzine review or played live? Did he ever have fans? Will some misguided uberkvlt label issue an Apator box set? Will he someday have a coffee table book ala Hellhammer? Those notions will haunt me I guarantee you.

Man, I Listened To A Lot Of Death Metal In 2009!

I didn't realize just how much death metal I crammed into my brain in 2009 until I isolated my collection by that year on RYM, and got almost 100% death metal back as a search result. It probably has been a good 10 years or so since that happened, which either means I'm going through a mid-life crisis, or 2009 was a damn good year for the genre. I'm going with the latter. So here's the Stinking Pit Of Metal 2009 Top 20 death metal releases. Some of them may have trace elements of black metal in there as well, but just deal with it. It seems to be the way both genres are heading anyway, that is to pull a peanut butter cup type deal (you got your death metal in my black metal, etc.). Note that these aren't in order in terms of quality. I'm far too lazy to think that hard right now.

Anal Blasphemy- Bestial Black Metal Filth
Archgoat- The Light Devouring Darkness
Asphyx- Death...The Brutal Way
Cannibal Corpse- Evisceration Plague
Denial- Catacombs of the Grotesque
Diocletian- Doom Cult
Dying Fetus- Descend Into Depravity
Embrace of Throrns- Attonement Ritual
Funebrarum- Sleep Of Morbid Dreams
Ignivomous- Death Transmutation
Impiety- Terrorreign
Infinitum Obscure- Sub Artis Caelis
Lost Soul- Immerse in Infinity
Nile- Those Whom the Gods Destest
Proclamation- Execration of Cruel Bestiality
Suffocation- Blood Oath
Vader- Necropolis
Maim- From the Womb to the Tomb
Disma- Vault of Membros
Vomit the Soul- Apostles of Inexpression

What Every Metal Record Label Should Aspire To Be

For some time now I've been ordering vinyl from Hell's Headbangers, and I must say that every aspect of every transaction has been amazing. Not only are they a quality label of their own, but also a distribution house for other labels. Their own releases are almost uniformly killer (Deiphago, CemeteryUrn, Bestial Mockery) but the speed with which they ship and the killer packaging job they do is just about the best out there. And on the vinyl pressings they do, we're usually talking about gatefold editions, heavy duty vinyl and usually accompanied by a poster, flyers or other such extras. Add to this reasonable $14-$18 pricing and you've got a mother of a source for metal. I used to order from Blackmetal.com, but their selection has dipped a bit, while HH just seems to be getting revved up! Highly recommend checking them and their releases out!

http://www.hellsheadbangers.com/

Metal Never Forgets...Even When It Should Pt.3

And here we have the 1982 debut EP from California's own Demon Flight. This is one of the very first releases from Metal Blade records, and is one the very few items the label has never seen fit to reissue. When you finally get to hear this rarity, you might understand why. It's horribly dated stuff, kind of like a low-batteries Iron Maiden armed with a really weird vocal style. "Dead Of The Night" appeared on the first Metal Massacre sampler, and those who own it will recall the distinctive whining vocals of bassist Rick Gerad. On this track, this guy sounds like that annoying cat puppet from the old Mister Roger's Neighborhood show. Just imagine her saying "Meow, meow, evil, meow," and you'll have a very good idea of how nails on chalkboard it is. The dude gets himself more under control for "Search And Destroy," which isn't a bad poverty metal cut at all. However, the 9 minute scare-fest "Night Of The Demon" is just a boring jam on two chords that lasts for nine and a half minutes without nearly enough variation or invention to justify it. I mean, if you're gonna write a song with that title, a two chord bounce with no interesting improvisation or interplay is just not going to make the grade.

As is well known, Metal Blade would come on great guns after their first few releases. But it amazes me sometimes that were able to survive at all when one looks at how bad their first few non-compilation album releases were. I mean, Bitch, Pandemonium, and these guys didn't exactly shake the foundations of the metal world,  A real old school nugget, this falls into the "so bad it's almost good" category, but probably isn't worth the loads of cash you'll need to shell out to grab a copy. On the rarity scale, it's probably worth $50-$75. On the quality scale, if you buy me a cheeseburger I'll trade you my copy for it.

So I'm Not Uberkvlt...Sue Me.

Some time ago, I got hold of some VON material, as most people did as a result of hearing that Burzum idiot give them props back when the orgy of self-promotion was taking place in the Norway black metal scene. I wasn't impressed. At all. So here we have the big collection, the cult extravaganza, the compilation of this legendary band's volume of work, Satanic Blood Angel. Well, it isn't any better now that it was then, failing to improve with age like a fine wine. This is more like Kool-Aid left out in the sun too long. I know that this is supposed to be culter than cult, extreme to the max blackened death supreme: let me be clear; it is not. It is boring. It is one-note. It is repetitive. It is weak. In fact, it is dull. Now some ubercult underground black metal types may worship this, and they're entirely welcome to it. But hear me now: even if Von were some sort of war metal pioneers, some sort of black metal revolutionaries, their work has been bettered by almost every band to follow them. And let's also be realistic here. Blasphemy, Bestial Warlust, Beherit and others did this sort of total carnage blackdeath at roughly the same time as these dudes. Only better. So let's all take a step back, forget about posing out as the world's most underground death/black metal fan in existence, and honestly judge what this is: a bloody average piece of work that we'd all have forgotten about by now if Varg Vikernes hadn't name-checked them in interviews. Did I burst your fuckin' bad-ass bubble? GOOD! Now go listen to something that's actually worth your time. Blasphemy's FALLEN ANGEL OF DOOM pisses all over this, sets it on fire, and stomps the ashes into dust. Buy that instead. You'll thank me.

A Positive Post For A Change

Guess I've been pretty negative on this blog, even if it's mostly in the service of humor. But I don't want readers to think I'm a jaded jerk who only finds pleasure in the dismal. So here's three quickie reviews of albums from this year that I really dig, and you might to! See? Wasn't that pleasant?

Perversor- Demon Metal (Hell's Headbangers)

Just got this today, and I gotta say that as much as I liked this band's debut album, this little 5 track EP is pretty damn hot as well. Like Bathory and Bestial Warlust getting into a scrap and finally agreeing to call a truce. Great production, great bestial, yet controlled feel, just killer stuff. And the vinyl pressing from Hell's Headbangers is great, very generous with a big lyric book and heavy duty vinyl. Can't say fairer than that.

Kerasphorus - Cloven Hooves at the Holocaust Dawn (Nuclear War Now!)

Yet another in the line of bands involving the axis of Order From Chaos-Blasphemy-Conqueror-Rvenege etc., this is quite a strong piece of work, moving away from the sheer war noise of Revenge, and in some ways back towards the OFC/Angelcorpse manner of death metal. It woiuld be prety impossible to picture this being anything but professional with people like J.Read and Pete Helmkamp involved, and it sure as hell is. A great compromise between modern extremes and old school values. Very much recommended.

Hour of Penance - Paradogma (Unique Leader)

Now clearly of the world's finest death metal bands, Hour Of Penance will be scrutinized more heavily than ever on this work. Here the band move into a vein that favorably reimds me of Nile, the crushing, deliberate riffs of the title cut hammering down with amazing authority. And the production, which is really just about perfect, helps a lot. A really strong album this one, once again driving the point home that some of the world's best bands in this genre are just not coming from the USA. Us and Sweden once ruled the death metal world, but the times they is a changin'. Hey, that's a good song title idea. Somebody should use that.

Available At Most Fine Supermarkets

Thank God we live in a free market, where all things are possible.

When Bad Things Happen To Great Metal Legends

I love Motorhead. I love Lemmy (platonically). To me, the band have perhaps the longest run of making astoundngly great records of almost any band ever, metal or not. But I'm not enough of a sycophant to blindly adore anything Motor-related. And that's where the semi-legendary "Stand By Your Man" Wendy O. Williams and Lemmy collaboration comes in. Oh dear. I always wondered what made this record so bad it would prompt Fast Eddie to leave Motorhead to avoid being associated with Lemmy. I still think he overreacted, but this is god-awful. Not that either Wendy or Lemmy sound any worse or better than usual, but the production is shit, especially on the vocals, and this was just not a good idea all the way around. Okay, Wendy does sound like shit on Motorhead's "No Class." There's no getting around it. Lemmy is well known for getting drunkenly involved with dubious studio side projects, such as happened with the Damned. So lesson learned...just because it's linked to the greatest band in metal is no guarantee of quality. Please believe me. The children must be protected.

Metal Never Forgets, Even When It Should Pt.2

Okay. Many of you know that I have a genuine fetish for old school death metal, and especially for unearthing formerly obscure releases in the music's history. But I gotta admit that I wasn't even aware of this one before it was featured on the Corroseum website (awesome...you gotta check it out). This album is perhaps the most primitive of all South American death/black metal albums, kind of what like Vulcano or Sarcofago must have sounded like at their first rehearsals. Now a big part of the problems here are the all around technical limitations, both in the band's abilities and in the production, which is pretty laughable. Bass and guitar are often slightly out of tune with each other, and the drummer makes the percussion on early Sodom records sound like Neil Peart by comparison. And those guitar "solos." Wow. And I swear, the bass player sounds like he's in the next room over from where the other band members are. A funny note: I'm fairly sure these guys arrived at the quality herein not by deliberate choice, but as result of circumstances. And now we have modern bands actually trying to sound like this to increase their level of "kult" quotient. Pathetic. Also, I can't help but laugh at the idea of Nazi black metallers pretending to enjoy this record because there's a swastika on the sleeve. That just makes me laugh til I wet myself. No...realy.

Now bear in mind, that if you have an actual copy of this record, it's incredibly, unfeasibly rare. But beware! There are those who profit by this masterpiece's rarity and notoriety and have issued vinyl bootlegs of it. Make sure you copy is genuine, so you can feel as ripped off as everyone who bought this album at it's time of release!

And you can delve further into this evil puke stain here: http://www.thecorroseum.com/rev/exterminator.htm

Briton Rites: Synonomous With Metal

Sometimes you just get lucky and stumble on the best damn album you've heard in like forever. This time around it's a new Atlanta band called Briton Rites, but you'd never know they were a recent invention from their sound. This is what went through my mind while spinning this for the first time: early Manilla Road, early Cathedral, Pagan Altar, fuzz pedals, rooting through import metal record bins at age 14, Cirith Ungol...memories. This record should have come out in 1984...it's so old school it's insane. It's also genuine, authentic and direct from the heart. Songs are epics, this band's singer is fantastic, a bit like the lad performing with Hour Of 13 actually, and the damn thing sounds like it was recorded in Brocas Helm's secret lair of audio evil. And here's a great kicker...despite the epic nature of the songs, they just fly by, seamlessly connecting the sections of their songs in traditonal, yet amazing ways. My god. If you love doom, you must have this. If you are old school you must have it. And look at the damn band photots...these guys are so metal it hurts.

Old, Crusty And Not Very Good

Okay kids, here's another mega-rare, newly discovered batch of recordings from a "Sabbath" styled UK band from the middle seventies. We all know how this usually ends up, and we've all been burned by Iron Maiden, Bram Stoker, Zior, Monument and other merely foggy, druggy bands. So how do Warlord pan out?

"Jasmin Queen" is decent enough thud rock, but the vocals are terrible and this, sadly, does not change throughout. "Explorer" has a nice minor-chord riff, but is otherwise forgettable, and "Face Of The Sun" could be boogie rock if the band's drummer has more groove...kind of sounds like very old Rush. "Warlord" contains actual NWOBHM approved riffs, but is also pretty unmemorable. I have to give props here though, as apart from it's silly acoustic sections, it is unabashedly metal. "Ladykiller" is dreadful, "To The Devil A Daughter" only highlights how bad this band's singer was, and both contain the thinnest, reediest keyboard sounds I've ever heard.

"Devil Drink"....huh? Is this title for real? And the song is amazingly bad...sounds like background music for a Z grade sixties occult horror film. Simply terrible...almost sounds like it was intended to be a joke. From this point on the recording quality is so poor as to be nearly unlistenable, but the band do torture us again a with a horrendous ballad called "The Ring."

Give these dudes credit on one point, they made no effort to be dishonest and conceal their weaknesses. They are...PLOP...right out there for all to see. But overall this is truly awful, and I'm so sick of labels jerking me off by promising me deathly heaviness and delivering piss poor leftovers like this. Let's all say it together, shall we...and remember it this time...RARE DOES NOT EQUAL GOOD! OBSCURE DOES NOT GUARANTEE QUALITY!! ONE REAL RIFF ON A CD DOES NOT MAKE A BAND "PROTO-METAL"!! Got it?! Good! I don't want to have to have to discuss this again.

I Rule The RYM Front Page!

No, but seriously if you visit www.rateyourmusic.com, one of my reviews, for the old compilaton SPEED METAL HELL III made the front page! Thanks to all at RYM for showing me some love!

Really Good Reviews Of Awful Movies

One of the best things I've come across in the past year is the blog hosted by Brad Jones, aka The Cinema Snob. This guy knows more about film than almost anyone I've come along, and he watches the really, really, REALLY bad movies and reports about them to us so we don't have to. And for the metal inclined, most of them are horror oriented, and we all know that metal and horror go together like Sarah Palin and stupid. So plug into channel www.cinema snob.com and enjoy the carnage!

Beware! Fear The Leather Nunn!

This entry has two purposes, one to let everyone know that I have a gazillion (well, actually it's about 1,780) music reviews (vastly metal in proportion) over at the fabulous Rate Your Music wesbite. You can see my page by going to:

http://rateyourmusic.com/~cirithungol

Having said that, the second reason for this post is to hype the amazing Leather Nunn album I downloaded, that being 1987's Take The Night. Even the album cover is wicked metal cool. Wow. Much heavier than I was expecting, this debut from Leather Nunn just screams "INDIE FUCKING EIGHTIES METAL!" But this is really good, just check out the heavy riffs, catchy soloing and memorable structure of album opener "Fool's Way Out." It literally ocurred to me that I was hearing one of the greatest metal songs of the eighties before the tune had even stopped playing. Man there's some crunch in those guitars! Okay, who to compare them to...maybe a slightly more commercial Jag Panzer, or less fancy Helstar? The great thing about the songs is that while they use familiar riffs and patterns the band always interject something of their own as well. Singer's got a bit of Halford in him (I refuse to crack the obvious gay joke here, so forget it) which is never a bad thing. Even the ballad-like "Take Me Back" has plenty of ommph in it's nutsack. Damn...really fine record here. Why did it take me over 20 years to hear it?

Metal Never Forgets...Even When It Should

I think I'd like to make this an ongoing feature on the blog, as lately even the most obscure and sometimes awful demo tapes and records have returned from the dead to haunt our metal souls. Very often they're ancient death metal demo tapes that stun with their utter incompetence and worthlessness. But sometimes it's something like the one and only demo tape from Italy's dire Hurtful Witch. I remember reading a review of this demo in the legendary Metal Forces fanzine back in '85, when the band's stinking pile of demo arrived in the form of "Spectra." The problem is not the band so much as their singer, Roberta Delaude(her lovely visage is above). I believe the reviewer said she sounded like someone was stabbing her as she was singing. This did not encourage me to order the tape. But, like the complete douche-tard that I can be sometimes, I saw a posted link for a free download (no-one would pay for this diaper full of metal poo). Well, I couldn't resist. Boy is it horrible. It's really bad. I could actually feel a headache developing on the second tune, and I couldn't make it through the third. Musically it's decent enough, kind of like Black Sabbath meshed with second rate Mercyful Fate, but my GOD, why do some people think they can sing when they sound like cats being stapled together? So consider this a public health warning. Avoid this one like it's got herpes. Because it sure sounds like there's some disease in there somewhere!

Special Collector's Item First Post!!

This blog is here to hopefully entertain, amaze, and possibly even revolt and disgust. I'm continuously blown away by the amount of metal information, content and data that is pread all over the damn internet, sometimes consolidated in woderful paces like Encyclopedia Metallum, the Corroseum, and oldies like Isten. So what I want to do is join that legion of metal fact spreaders. Being a 41 year old who still feels like he lives in the cellar, cranking Celtic Frost vinyl, I don't know if I'm qualified to do this, but what the hell.

Below are some great metal related links to get us started, so please check 'em out. There will be mucho content to come.

http://www.thecorroseum.com/

http://www.metal-archives.com/